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PLEASE,God,lethimtelephonemenow.DearGod,lethimcallmenow.Iwon'taskanythingelseofYou,trulyIwon't.Itisn'tverymuchtoask.ItwouldbesolittletoYou,God,suchalittle,littlething.Onlylethimtelephonenow.Please,God.Please,please,please.
IfIdidn'tthinkaboutit,maybethetelephonemightring.Sometimesitdoesthat.IfIcouldthinkofsomethingelse.IfIcouldthinkofsomethingelse.MaybeifIcountedfivehundredbyfives,itmightringbythattime.I'llcountslowly.Iwon'tcheat.AndifitringswhenIgettothreehundred,Iwon'tstop;Iwon'tanswerituntilIgettofivehundred.Five,ten,fifteen,twenty,twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five,forty,forty-five,fifty....Oh,pleasering.Please.
ThisisthelasttimeI'lllookattheclock.Iwillnotlookatitagain.It'stenminutespastseven.Hesaidhewouldtelephoneatfiveo'clock."I'llcallyouatfive,darling."Ithinkthat'swherehesaid"darling."I'malmostsurehesaiditthere.Iknowhecalledme"darling"twice,andtheothertimewaswhenhesaidgood-bye."Good-bye,darling."Hewasbusy,andhecan'tsaymuchintheoffice,buthecalledme"darling"twice.Hecouldn'thavemindedmycallinghimup.Iknowyoushouldn'tkeeptelephoningthem?Iknowtheydon'tlikethat.Whenyoudothattheyknowyouarethinkingaboutthemandwantingthem,andthatmakesthemhateyou.ButIhadn'ttalkedtohiminthreedays?notinthreedays.AndallIdidwasaskhimhowhewas;itwasjustthewayanybodymighthavecalledhimup.Hecouldn'thavemindedthat.Hecouldn'thavethoughtIwasbotheringhim."No,ofcourseyou'renot,"hesaid.Andhesaidhe'dtelephoneme.
Hedidn'thavetosaythat.Ididn'taskhimto,trulyIdidn't.I'msureIdidn't.Idon'tthinkhewouldsayhe'dtelephoneme,andthenjustneverdoit.Pleasedon'tlethimdothat,God.Pleasedon't.
"I'llcallyouatfive,darling.""Good-bye,darling."Hewasbusy,andhewasinahurry,andtherewerepeoplearoundhim,buthecalledme"darling"twice.That'smine,that'smine.Ihavethat,evenifIneverseehimagain.Oh,butthat'ssolittle.Thatisn'tenough.Nothing'senough,ifIneverseehimagain.Pleaseletmeseehimagain,God.Please,Iwanthimsomuch.Iwanthimsomuch.I'llbegood,God.Iwilltrytobebetter,Iwill,Ifyouwillletmeseehimagain.IfYouwilllethimtelephoneme.Oh,lethimtelephonemenow.
Ah,don'tletmyprayerseemtoolittletoYou,God.Yousitupthere,sowhiteandold,withalltheangelsaboutYouandthestarsslippingby.AndIcometoYouwithaprayeraboutatelephonecall.Ah,don'tlaugh,God.Yousee,Youdon'tknowhowitfeels.You'resosafe,thereonYourthrone,withtheblueswirlingunderYou.NothingcantouchYou;noonecantwistYourheartinhishands.Thisissuffering,God,thisisbad,badsuffering.Won'tYouhelpme?ForYourSon'ssake,helpme.YousaidYouwoulddowhateverwasaskedofYouinHisname.Oh,God,inthenameofThine6onlybelovedSon,JesusChrist,ourLord,lethimtelephonemenow.
Imuststopthis.Imustn'tbethisway.Look.Supposeayoungmansayshe'llcallagirlup,andthensomethinghappens,andhedoesn't.Thatisn'tsoterrible,isit?Why,it'sgoingonallovertheworld,rightthisminute.Oh,whatdoIcarewhat'sgoingonallovertheworld?Whycan'tthattelephonering?Whycan'tit,whycan'tit?Couldn'tyouring?Ah,please,couldn'tyou?Youdamned,ugly,shinything.Itwouldhurtyoutoring,wouldn'tit?Oh,thatwouldhurtyou.Damnyou,I'llpullyourfilthyrootsoutofthewall,I'llsmashyoursmugblackfaceinlittlebits.7Damnyoutohell.
No,no,no.Imuststop.Imustthinkaboutsomethingelse.ThisiswhatI'lldo.I'llputtheclockintheotherroom.ThenIcan'tlookatit.IfIdohavetolookatit,thenI'llhavetowalkintothebedroom,andthatwillbesomethingtodo.Maybe,beforeIlookatitagain,hewillcallme.I'llbesosweettohim,ifhecallsme.Ifhesayshecan'tseemetonight,I'llsay,"Why,that'sallright,dear.Why,ofcourseit'sallright."I'llbethewayIwaswhenIfirstmethim.Thenmaybehe'lllikemeagain.Iwasalwayssweet,atfirst.Oh,it'ssoeasytobesweettopeoplebeforeyoulovethem.
Ithinkhemuststilllikemealittle.Hecouldn'thavecalledme"darling"twicetoday,ifhedidn'tstilllikemealittle.Itisn'tallgone,ifhestilllikesmealittle;evenifit'sonlyalittle,littlebit.Yousee,God,ifYouwouldjustlethimtelephoneme,Iwouldn'thavetoaskYouanythingmore.Iwouldbesweettohim,Iwouldbegay,IwouldbejustthewayIusedtobe,andthenhewouldlovemeagain.AndthenIwouldneverhavetoaskYouforanythingmore.Don'tYousee,God?Sowon'tYoupleaselethimtelephoneme?Won'tYouplease,please,please?
AreYoupunishingme,God,becauseI'vebeenbad?AreYouangrywithmebecauseIdidthat?Oh,but,God,therearesomanybadpeople?Youcouldnotbehardonlytome.Anditwasn'tverybad;itcouldn'thavebeenbad.Wedidn'thurtanybody,God.Thingsareonlybadwhentheyhurtpeople.Wedidn'thurtonesinglesoul;Youknowthat.Youknowitwasn'tbad,don'tYou,God?Sowon'tYoulethimtelephonemenow?
Ifhedoesn'ttelephoneme,I'llknowGodisangrywithme.I'llcountfivehundredbyfives,andifhehasn'tcalledmethen,IwillknowGodisn'tgoingtohelpme,everagain.Thatwillbethesign.Five,ten,fifteen,twenty,twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five,forty,forty-five,fifty,fifty-five...Itwasbad.Iknewitwasbad.Allright,God,sendmetohell.YouthinkYou'refrighteningmewithYourhell,don'tYou?Youthink.Yourhellisworsethanmine.
Imustn't.Imustn'tdothis.Supposehe'salittlelatecallingmeup?that'snothingtogethystericalabout.Maybeheisn'tgoingtocall?maybehe'scomingstraightupherewithouttelephoning.He'llbecross10ifheseesIhavebeencrying.Theydon'tlikeyoutocry.Hedoesn'tcry.IwishtoGodIcouldmakehimcry.IwishIcouldmakehimcryandtreadthefloorandfeelhisheartheavyandbigandfesteringinhim.IwishIcouldhurthimlikehell.
Hedoesn'twishthataboutme.Idon'tthinkheevenknowshowhemakesmefeel.Iwishhecouldknow,withoutmytellinghim.Theydon'tlikeyoutotellthemthey'vemadeyoucry.Theydon'tlikeyoutotellthemyou'reunhappybecauseofthem.Ifyoudo,theythinkyou'repossessiveandexacting.Andthentheyhateyou.Theyhateyouwheneveryousayanythingyoureallythink.Youalwayshavetokeepplayinglittlegames.Oh,Ithoughtwedidn'thaveto;IthoughtthiswassobigIcouldsaywhateverImeant.Iguessyoucan't,ever.Iguessthereisn'teveranythingbigenoughforthat.Oh,ifhewouldjusttelephone,Iwouldn'ttellhimIhadbeensadabouthim.Theyhatesadpeople.Iwouldbesosweetandsogay,hecouldn'thelpbutlikeme.Ifhewouldonlytelephone.Ifhewouldonlytelephone.
Maybethat'swhatheisdoing.Maybeheiscomingonherewithoutcallingmeup.Maybehe'sonhiswaynow.Somethingmighthavehappenedtohim.No,nothingcouldeverhappentohim.Ican'tpictureanythinghappeningtohim.Ineverpicturehimrunover.Ineverseehimlyingstillandlonganddead.Iwishheweredead.That'saterriblewish.That'salovelywish.Ifheweredead,hewouldbemine.Ifheweredead,Iwouldneverthinkofnowandthelastfewweeks.Iwouldrememberonlythelovelytimes.Itwouldbeallbeautiful.Iwishheweredead.Iwishheweredead,dead,dead.
Thisissilly.It'ssillytogowishingpeopleweredeadjustbecausetheydon'tcallyouuptheveryminutetheysaidtheywould.Maybetheclock'sfast;Idon'tknowwhetherit'sright.Maybehe'shardlylateatall.Anythingcouldhavemadehimalittlelate.Maybehehadtostayathisoffice.Maybehewenthome,tocallmeupfromthere,andsomebodycamein.Hedoesn'tliketotelephonemeinfrontofpeople.Maybehe'sworried,justalittle,littlebit,aboutkeepingmewaiting.HemightevenhopethatIwouldcallhimup.Icoulddothat.Icouldtelephonehim.
Imustn't.Imustn't,Imustn't.Oh,God,pleasedon'tletmetelephonehim.Pleasekeepmefromdoingthat.Iknow,God,justaswellasYoudo,thatifhewereworriedaboutme,he'dtelephonenomatterwherehewasorhowmanypeopletherewerearoundhim.Pleasemakemeknowthat,God.Idon'taskYOUtomakeiteasyforme?Youcan'tdothat,forallthatYoucouldmakeaworld.Onlyletmeknowit,God.Don'tletmegoonhoping.Don'tletmesaycomfortingthingstomyself.Pleasedon'tletmehope,dearGod.Pleasedon't.
Iwon'ttelephonehim.I'llnevertelephonehimagainaslongasIlive.He'llrotinhell,beforeI'llcallhimup.Youdon'thavetogivemestrength,God;Ihaveitmyself.Ifhewantedme,hecouldgetme.HeknowswhereIam.HeknowsI'mwaitinghere.He'ssosureofme,sosure.Iwonderwhytheyhateyou,assoonastheyaresureofyou.Ishouldthinkitwouldbesosweettobesure.
Itwouldbesoeasytotelephonehim.ThenI'dknow.Maybeitwouldn'tbeafoolishthingtodo.Maybehewouldn'tmind.Maybehe'dlikeit.Maybehehasbeentryingtogetme.Sometimespeopletryandtrytogetyouonthetelephone,andtheysaythenumberdoesn'tanswer.I'mnotjustsayingthattohelpmyself;thatreallyhappens.Youknowthatreallyhappens,God.Oh,God,keepmeawayfromthattelephone.Keepmeaway.Letmestillhavejustalittlebitofpride.IthinkI'mgoingtoneedit,God.IthinkitwillbeallI'llhave.
Oh,whatdoespridematter,whenIcan'tstanditifIdon'ttalktohim?Pridelikethatissuchasilly,shabbylittlething.Therealpride,thebigpride,isinhavingnopride.I'mnotsayingthatjustbecauseIwanttocallhim.Iamnot.That'strue,Iknowthat'strue.Iwillbebig.Iwillbebeyondlittleprides.
Please,God,keepmefrom,telephoninghim.Please,God.
Idon'tseewhatpridehastodowithit.Thisissuchalittlething,formetobebringinginpride,formetobemakingsuchafussabout.Imayhavemisunderstoodhim.Maybehesaidformetocallhimup,atfive."Callmeatfive,darling."Hecouldhavesaidthat,perfectlywell.It'ssopossiblethatIdidn'thearhimright."Callmeatfive,darling."I'malmostsurethat'swhathesaid.God,don'tletmetalkthiswaytomyself.Makemeknow,pleasemakemeknow.
I'llthinkaboutsomethingelse.I'lljustsitquietly.IfIcouldsitstill.IfIcouldsitstill.MaybeIcouldread.Oh,allthebooksareaboutpeoplewholoveeachother,trulyandsweetly.Whatdotheywanttowriteaboutthatfor?Don'ttheyknowitisn'ttrue?Don'ttheyknowit'salie,it'saGoddamnedlie?Whatdotheyhavetotellaboutthatfor,whentheyknowhowithurts?Damnthem,damnthem,damnthem.
Iwon't.I'llbequiet.Thisisnothingtogetexcitedabout.Look.SupposeheweresomeoneIdidn'tknowverywell.Supposehewereanothergirl.ThenI'djusttelephoneandsay,"Well,forgoodness'sake,whathappenedtoyou?"That'swhatI'ddo,andI'dnevereventhinkaboutit.Whycan'tIbecasualandnatural,justbecauseIlovehim?Icanbe.Honestly,Icanbe.I'llcallhimup,andbesoeasyandpleasant.YouseeifIwon't,God.Oh,don'tletmecallhim.Don't,don't,don't.
God,aren'tYoureallygoingtolethimcallme?AreYousure,God?Couldn'tYoupleaserelent?Couldn'tYou?Idon'tevenaskYoutolethimtelephonemethisminute,God;onlylethimdoitinalittlewhile.I'llcountfivehundredbyfives.I'lldoitsoslowlyandsofairly.Ifhehasn'ttelephonedthen,I'llcallhim.Iwill.Oh,please,dearGod,dearkindGod,myblessedFatherinHeaven,lethimcallbeforethen.Please,God.Please.
Five,ten,fifteen,twenty,twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five....
注：这是曾获“欧·亨利纪念奖”（TheO.HenryAwards,1918年开始设立，专门用以奖励每年度的最佳短篇小说）的美国女诗人、短篇小说家帕克（DorothyParker1893-1967）的代表作之一。作者以细腻的手法，意识流的叙事方式，展现给读者一位饱受爱情折磨的女性的心理独白。其实，作为一个坚定的社会主义者，帕克又何尝不是在告诫女性：女性不能坐等爱的出现，应该学会主宰自己的命运。